How I Won a 5 Year Long Competition:
(PS, this is written more for my own documentation than anything else. Hence the length and details no one cares about.)
I had just started my shift at the pet store, coming straight from my shift at the bank, so I was pretty miserable. I don’t enjoy spending Saturdays waking up at 6:30 in the morning and then working at a mall until 9:45 at night. It’s not an ideal situation.
I was in the middle of pricing inventory when the phone rang and my co-worker answered the phone, spoke with the person on the other end for maybe 30 seconds and then hung up.
“I know you’ll like this, Steven Tyler is in Target.”
“Ok, Amanda.”
“No, he is. Diane (boss) just called, he’s in Target.”
“Shut up, Amanda.”
“Caragh! I’m serious!”
“That’s really mean.”
“SHE JUST CALLED. HE’S IN TARGET.”
“AMANDA. THAT’S MEAN. ARE YOU KIDDING?”
“No.”
“Good-bye.”
I grabbed my purse and power-walked to Target which is just a few stores down in the mall. On the way there I call Katie and leave a voicemail, “Katie, Steven Tyler may or may not be in Target right now and I may or may not get to see him and I may or may not have won our competition.”
I walked all the way around the store, looking for Steven Tyler, half thinking Diane mistook some regular dude for this demigod, because this is Target. This is where I go every night shift at the pet store to get my supper. This is where I buy tampons. Definitely, definitely Steven Tyler doesn’t hang out where I buy my tampons.
I call my boss and call her a liar, she tells me to meet her by the registers. I do and she points towards the mini food court Target has. I see… him. Wait, no, not him, Him. I saw Him.
I’m not the type to interrupt people and tell them I like their work or whatever. I’m not. I don’t mind standing in Meet and Greet lines after concerts and comedy shows because that’s what those things are for, but in general I feel really strange and nerdy going up to someone I don’t know and complimenting them. The only other time I’ve done it was for Rilo Kiley, and even then it wasn’t TOO strange because their manager or whatevs told us they expected people to wait by the door after shows… Which is why everyone but Jenny ended up coming out. JENNNNYYYYYYYY!!!
Ok, wait, so ANYWAY, ANYWAY. He walks by me, RIGHT BY ME, so close to me. I decide to say something, HOW CAN I NOT SAY SOMETHING?
Me: Um.. Mr. Tyler? *
My Future Husband: Yeah?
Me: Ummm, I just wanted to say that I had a competition with my friend to see who could meet you first and, haha, I won? (Oh god, oh god, you’re creepy, Caragh. OH GOD.)
MFH: A competition? For how long?
Me: Since we were about… Um, 16? So about 5 or 6 years. (OH GOD, MATH. HE’S MAKING ME DO MATH. I’M TOO NERVOUS TO DO MATH.)
Dude He Was With: Well, is she going to believe you?
Me: Probably not, but I have someone to back me up! (I point to my boss)
DHWW, pointing to my cell phone: Why don’t you take a picture?
Me: Oh! No, that’s ok, I don’t want to bug you anymore than I am right now. Thank you, though. (OMG, PLEASE SUGGEST THAT AGAIN SO I CAN ANSWER WITH WHAT I WANT TO ANSWER)
MFH: No, let’s take a picture! Let’s do it quick though, we want to keep it low-key.
So I give my phone to the dude and Steven Tyler gets next to me. Then he shifts behind me and hugs me from behind. It was probably the best hug I’ve ever received. I felt the money, fame, and heroin residue coursing through his veins. It was so hot.
I get the phone back and it didn’t save because my phone is too full. I say “Oh, shoot, it was full. Oh well, thanks anyway.” I am not even that upset, probably because I got heroin in me through some osmosis-esque event. I always knew I would react well to opiates.
Steven Tyler, demigod, FULL ON GOD, ACTUALLY, actually insists we take another picture for evidence.
I hastily delete the first 4 pictures in my phone, all extremely cute photos of my nephew I will never get back again. Worth it.
I hand the phone back over to Dude and Steven Tyler hugs me again. I am in Heaven. “Wait,” he says, he grabs my hair in pigtails and the picture is taken about half a second later.
The look on my face is one of pure bliss, satisfaction from winning, wondering what Steven Tyler is doing to my head, and suddenly, finally, realizing what it is to love.
20 minutes later, after calming down, I actually become nauseous.
*In my head the conversation would’ve gone, “Um, Steven? “Call me Mr. Tyler, if you’re nasty.” So I just jumped straight to the surname. I wanted to save time and stuff and show ST that we’re on the same wave length.
